Arm them all and let God sort them out

Our government wants to arm the Libyan insurgents, freedom fighters, citizen soldiers...whatever the hell you want to call them. We don't want to send our own soldiers in - no that would be too messy and, well, inconvenient; but we do want to arm and support a pack of gun-toting individuals whose true loyalty is unknown.

All we do know is that they hate Gaddafi. Yes, the enemy of our enemy is our friend...right? Sure we supported Saddam during the Iraq Iran war. Sure we gave weapons to and trained the Taliban while they were fighting the Soviets. That worked out well. So what's the harm in supporting this rag-tag band soldier wanna-bes? Right?

Honestly, are we so freaking stupid that we turn our back in history to score political points and make ourselves look tough? That was a rhetorical question. I know we are.

Why don't we just arm everybody? Why don't we just start freely giving weapons and military training to the citizens of every country with a repressive leader? I mean shit, let's arm the Iranian people. Let's give the poor North Koreans fully automatic rifles, rocket launchers, and anti-aircraft guns. I mean if we are going to to start arming one country why the hell don't we arm the world?

Seriously, this whole thing has become one big cosmic joke. Do I want thousands of people to die? No, of course not. But do I want my tax dollars going to arming an army of unknown, untested, individuals who have no clear endgame? No, I really don't; especially when our country is going to hell in a hand basket faster than The Jersey Shore cast could descend into a drunken oblivion.

And, really, can anyone tell me who is leading this rebellion? Does anyone know who will replace Gaddafi? Or even how he will be replaced?

Oh, and it's nice that we are supposedly in some kind of fiscal crises, but somehow we have millions if not billions of dollars to fling missiles at a pin-dick country for an seemingly indefinite period of time for little to no return.

I'd like to believe that our dear leaders think things through, but that does not seem to be the case in 21st American politics.

I mean the military has been used like a toy with little to no logistical thought. Our politicians do nothing more than try to out-patriot, out-fear, and out-conserve each other, and leave we the people no better off than before. It seems like the only solution our leaders have anymore is to just blow things up to make it look like they are proactively doing things. Education and the environment no big booms; therefore boring and worthless. Bombing the crap out of a country so that the citizens can overthrow the government and lead it into uncertainty; neat and impressive.

Whatever, like I said before, arm the world and see that happens. I'm sure it will be awesome!

Allergies and that Whore: A Short Rant on Nature

Right now I'm suffering an allergy attack. It's not like this is an unusual occurrence; no, it happens every year. I sniffle and sneeze. I cough and spend my days in a haze of fatigue and heavy ennui. All because that whore of a a fucking entity, nature, has decided to spray her seed all over the place like a fucking hormonal teenaged boy with a serious case of compulsory masturbation.

I hate it! I want her out of my life. I want her to go the hell away. I want astroturf instead of grass. I want holograms instead of trees. I want a world that looks like nature without any of the trappings.

Sure, yeah, the world might be a bit sterile. Okay, it might not be that inspiring, but it will be comfortable. I mean, shit, we want to control everything else. You want your kid to have blue eyes? Bam! You got enough money you got it. You want people to think a certain way? Slap, just put a good enough marketing campaign together. Done. Addressed. You want an allergy-free spring? Limp-dick...Sorry you're on your own.

Why can't we effectively take care of this nature situation? I mean that bitch is unstable. From the pollen to the random snow falls in March she just doesn't seem all that consistent. And we put up with her. It's just not freaking right.

I want her gone. I want her replaced. I want her methadone-taking sister to take over for awhile. You know that one who just sits on the couch and watches her stories. That would be better. This would go smoothly. Nothing drastic would happen, and the world would be far more comfortable. It's be like going from a chastity belt to silk lingerie. Or from nut-huggers to silk boxers. It'd be better; and people like me wouldn't have to spend half the spring sniffling like a cocaine head aching for his next sniff.

Top 10 Indicators That Your Life Has Gone Totally Sideways

1. You end up performing naked ballet with kolas for the pleasure of Chinese businessmen.
2. Every dream you have involves a clown, a poodle, a turkey baster, and your unfiltered imagination.
3. You wake up comfortably in your bed; everything seems all right. However, you have a tracking anklet on with no idea how or why you got it.
4. Your prize game cocks turn on you. It’s not pretty.
5. You wake up in the dark and every place you touch is slimy and cold.
6. You’ve been recruited as a hitman by the Chinese mafia. However, you have absolutely no skills and they’ve decided that your first target should be the ghost of a long dead cocaine warlord who has supposedly been haunting mafia leaders. You are given a toothpick, some silly putty, Kleenex, and two days to complete the task.
7. Every dog you pass on the street growls at you, even seeing eye dogs.
8. You end up being kidnapped by aliens who want to use your kidneys to make a gourmet appetizer for one of their president’s state dinners.
9. Every wanted poster you see bears an uncanny resemblance to you, even ones that have pictures of people of the opposite sex.
10. You end up trafficking black-market whale testicles to Japanese men to increase their potency.

Hoochie Creams, iPhones, and Sexless Flannel: The Author Ponders an America Formed by Advertisements

Image from: magnetoboldtoo.com 

You know what I’m sick and freaking tired of? Advertisements. Yeah, advertisements.

I know it sounds cliché and, well, a little superficial, but I've really been taking a look at these vacuous whore-bags of capitalistic rot and have come to the conclusion that they are some of the most sexist bits of visual vomit that our brains regularly take in.

Just watch them closely (not for the products they hock), but at how they represent modern America. If our culture was really the way advertisements say it is the following would be true:

In between periods, acne, aging, and feminine odor women are solely in charge of washing all of the clothes, cooking all of the meals, driving all of the kids to every practice and game they will ever play in while the absent husband stares at the washing machine like a retarded baboon who’s been given a slide rule to calculate the volume, in cubits, of anti-matter in an imaginary flying saucer. Why you ask? Because men can't do laundry...At least that's what Tide teaches us.

Seriously, ladies years and years of fighting for equal rights and equal representation and you’re still being talked to like herd of worn down housewives who have one concern and one concern only: keep the family together bitches!

It’s disgusting.

And guys, if you’re not setting up ranches or dumping random dirty crap into the bed of your truck while shaking the gloved hand of your flannel-wearing buddy you’re supposed to be an executive driving around a luxury car so that you can earn enough money to support your wife’s constant need for vaginal creams, tampons, and anti-aging facial scrubs so that she can look ravishing while attending your kids’ activities that your arrogantly self-absorbed ass doesn't have the time or desire to attend.

Oh, but when you do get home you won’t be able to find anything, because you’re too freaking stupid to keep track of things like scissors; but for some reason you are a whiz at home improvement.

And forget sex guys because you’re a limp-dicked fool with a massive heart condition. This is a serious problem because if you take the one pill for your limp dick it could make your heart explode during a shag session, but if you take the heart pill you may not be able to perform. Sucks to be you! 

But what does that matter because according to commercials you are incapable of remembering anniversaries and have to be reminded by your ever-so-mindful wife that you should have made plans for dinner, which you do on your iPhone, while working so that she can afford the latest hoochie scrub to take care of that rotten smell before she does the laundry, dishes, and takes the kids to their big championship game – a game you will, unfortunately, miss. 

Wow! American life kind of sucks for everybody doesn't it?

Chimp Penises and the Curse of Evolution: A Natural Prince Albert in Place of Pondering the Wonders of the Universe – Tough Choice

"I shag like a machine bitches!"
Photo: Wiki Commons

Damn, I always knew we were better than the chimps. I mean sure they get away with things like flinging filth and public masturbation, but I like the idea of being able to drive, eat food that’s not crawling with insects and having sex with someone who doesn’t look like me.


However, it seems like chimps have one up on the rest of us: they have a little thing called a natural Prince Albert. Oh, yeah, it seems like chimps are blessed with a bumpy penis that we humans have to shell out money for on sites like Adam and Eve.

This is totally unfair. I mean sure a chimp’s small brain can’t ponder the vastness of the universe or debate the theological complexities of a supreme being, but ask most women if they’d prefer to have toe-curling orgasms caused by a nice bumpy, albeit clean, penis or discuss the intricacies of String Theory and you’ll probably find more would prefer the former over the latter.

Now, I’m not trying to cheapen the human condition, but there are some things that evolution just shouldn’t have taken away from us, and this is one of them. Honestly, I would really like to have a tail and a stronger stomach, but evolution decided that we as thinking rational beings who know how to use things like tools and fire do not need those things. I’m fine with that. But why oh why would it take away something that would enhance the sexual experience for women.

I guess, and I’m just postulating here, that this is just one more thing women got screwed (pardon the pun) out of over the course of human history. I mean from monthly bleeding sessions to the agony of child birth to being treated like possessions to being blamed for bringing sin into the world women have really been given an unfair shake over the course of our time on this planet. This my friends is just one more straw on an already weak camel’s back.

So, ladies, the next time you’re sitting there talking to your man about true nature of human emotions just remember that long ago this very being was rocking your world like an out-of-control sex toy with a vengeance. Of course when he finished back then he probably picked grubs out of your hair and then shit right in front of you before he went off pull his best friend’s pud, but, hey, we all need to make concessions even if it means having a smaller brain.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/03/09/penis.spines.genes/index.html?hpt=T2

Sometimes it is important to understand...

Sometimes it is important to understand that there are many dark corners of this world that are briefly illuminated by the glow of people lighting their own farts.

Humor and American Idol: The author has an idea that would make reality TV far more interesting

So I was thinking...Reality TV has stagnated. It's become predictable and annoying. We watch as "average" people are taken out of their lives and transposed into faux celebrities in an effort to make us not only empathize with them, but also cheer for them.

Wouldn't we all love an opportunity to gain fame and fortune? Wouldn't we all love to be instantaneously placed before the world and marveled at? Wouldn't we all love the adoration of millions of fans without the years and years of effort it traditionally takes to gain notoriety?

Of course we would, but, sadly, many of us will never know those thing, because we are too busy obsessing over other peoples' lives. Sure we'd love to be working on that novel or screenplay. Sure we'd all love to start that business that we've been meaning to start. Sure we'd all love to increase our skills and earn more money. But who has the time? I mean American Idol, Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and Keeping Up with the Kardashians are on.

We need to watch other people live their lives. We need to listen to other people talk about their problems...Problems that have fuck all to do with us. We need to watch other people achieve their dreams, because achieving our hopes and dreams simply requires too much darned effort.

Gosh if only there was time!

But, seeing as we are all going to waste out time watching other people live their lives I think we should make it all the more interesting by introducing a little plot twist called "nut punch." Yes, nut punch.

I mean seeing as reality TV has lost its spontaneity I think at any given moment (this could happen regularly, or maybe once a season, who cares?) a random person from the Unites States or Canada or, hell, why not Iceland is allowed to run onto the show, yell "nut punch", and hit some poor bastard in the groin.

Shit it would be nice to see Scott take a twin-knuckler in the sack for being such a douche. It would be great if Ronnie could take a bean bag haymaker for being such a dependent moron with Sammy. It would be awesome if someone would just backhand Stephen Tyler's sanctimonious scrot for nothing more than shits and giggles.

That would be exciting. That would be entertaining. That kind of spontaneity would be worth looking for. Because if there's one thing I've learned in all my years studying comedy there's one thing everybody enjoys watch, and that's some poor schmuck taking a shot to the nads. It's awesome; it's exciting; and the reality world needs it!